January 23, 2017

a quickening


dangling long limbs
too cold body
thin pants
spaghetti legs that use to runjump challenge
me
to 
climb trees
beforebefore 

now

i petted your upper arm too many times
palmed your heart
warmed your feet
no words 
except
breathless
apologies
for not
being there
guilty fear me mine my life

"i am sorry"
for what?
standing up fast
not feeding you soup
frozen shock still

"you can do it, you got it? you can do it."

whatishappening
hands that don't work
like before
perfect painter fingers i missed
breaking small chocolate bites
for us
easily 
effortless
they could
unravel braids
and
spoon out 
honey

your cheeks pinky glow
whites of eyes like first snow
hair like birth
darling smile
sweet words searching muse
love, plants, cats, tea
baby toys
laughing baby reaching
shrill teething
mother reaching
losing going soon

the way you looked at me was too deep to bear
my ego bigger than i like to think
smeared everywhere
contaminated your air
the fading shining you
two dark pupil portals of truth
splitting in half
you showed
it all
not saying but saying 
goodbye
to
the YOU-you 

who?

so much Goddess 
in a gaze
I NEVER KNEW
i thought i knew



a quickening now
flurry
moving motion people hovering
fear dying death
no 
open the window
too hot in here

my own knees propel
chubby legs
strong
not graceful but they do-what-i-want legs
not fair
shut down chakras
human brain shitfuckwhatthefuck
bolt go 
don't look back
but must
look back
watching through the mirror
less real
yes feels less real
reflection
mother daughter
daughter mother
friend 
lover
paintings
your things
all of your lovely things

and you

pulled and LOVED 
but 
pulled positions forced help
not the YOU-you i knew

cold winter breeze
palm trees
big bare feet
flopping down the stairs
a neighbor
appears:
"howdoyoudo?"
"hi"
"i'm me"
"i'm you"

lets do this

whispers

gracious awkward vulnerable
knights
soldiers
beautiful MEN
down you go
like
a piece of furniture
going to a new home

i scurried
suddenly ten yrs old
ahead of the movers
open the door
kick the stuff
lock the cats in the room
so they don't escape
(that would make you sad)

grab your shoes
the orange sneakers
yes you like those

walk fast ahead
dirty concrete under my socks
who cares
past the apartment maybe of the girl 
you once told me about
she was a model i think
but
lost her foot
it scared you

here we go now
push you pull you
your new car i never saw
seatbelt click click
like
a child
safety first

hot skin
itchy sweater
panting
sighing
fearfearfear

"are you ok? too hot? i brought your shoes."

useless words

one more time
two pairs of eyes
connect
last time
now

quiet
quicker
stronger
going 
going
old you
new you

i can still feel your hand
reaching
squeezing
holding 
tight
too tight

just right